


Agony. Pain. Love.

by ctrlaltdeletemyself



Category: Shadowhunters (TV) RPF
Genre: Agony Rune, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Sort Of, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24912919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctrlaltdeletemyself/pseuds/ctrlaltdeletemyself
Summary: A week had passed since Jocelyn’s funeral, but the memory was still so strong and fresh in his mind, all he could see was the blood, the pain, the weakness. Alec was told over and over again that he was not to blame but all he knew was that his weakness let that demon in and led him to murder an innocent Shadowhunter, not just that but Clary's mother. He couldn’t understand how Clary, Jace, his friends could be near him. He was responsible for so much pain and suffering. He was worthless.Magnus helps Alec see the light after a revealing truth is discovered on what Alec is hiding.EDIT: Thank you so much for 100 kudos!!!
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 130





	Agony. Pain. Love.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick notes:  
> \- Warnings are in the tags.  
> \- All characters belong to the wonderful Cassandra Clare :-)  
> Hope you like this, it's my first time writing a piece like this but I was very proud of it.

**Alec's POV**

A week had passed since Jocelyn’s funeral, but the memory was still so strong and fresh in his mind, all he could see was the blood, the pain, the weakness. Alec was told over and over again that he was not to blame but all he knew was that his weakness let that demon in and led him to murder an innocent Shadowhunter, not just that but Clary's mother. He couldn’t understand how Clary, Jace, his friends could be near him. He was responsible for so much pain and suffering. He was worthless.

The worst was that he was lying to his friends, his parabatai, to Magnus, but he couldn’t face them. They couldn’t see him for what he truly was, a murderer who couldn’t handle the guilt of what he had done. So he moved away from them, isolated himself and focused only for his work. Trying so hard to hide his shameful secret. He felt that they could notice, when he avoided them, when he looked away, tearing away from there prying eyes. But why would they care, he deserved the pain after all the suffering that he had caused them.  
The walls of the Institute haunted him, he didn’t belong there, Shadowhunters were meant to be brave and fearless, he was just a burden whose incapability cost Clary her mother. It wasn’t just that, he was overcompensating, overreacting to the slightest noise or movement, scared of the demon plaguing him again, causing more blood to coat his hands. Everyone could see his weakness overtaking him, settling into the once brave leader leaving nothing behind. 

* * *

Alec had chosen to stay with Magnus, a man who surely didn’t deserve him, but he had no choice, he didn’t dare stay in that institute longer than he had to. He couldn’t.   
He had barely slept that night, tossing and turning repeatedly, his mind slowly driving him insane, when he awoke in a cold sweat, his lungs gasping for the cold morning air. His breathing was rapid and tears filled his eyes as the thoughts came rushing to his mind. 

**'worthless!’ ‘murderer!’ ‘weak!’**

He pushed them down, rapidly pushing the tears from his eyes, closing off from his emotions like he had done so many years ago. He was meant to be strong, to be a Shadowhunter. But instead, he was here scared of himself, of his thoughts.

His legs swung from the bed to meet the cold wood floor of Magnus’ apartment, his arms steadying himself on the bed. Alec’s eyes glanced over to his peaceful, sleeping boyfriend, a smile came to Alec’s face, watching Magnus' chest rise and fall, a gentle breath filling the silence, but that smile quickly faded as he reminded himself of his failures.

**‘pathetic!’ ‘useless!’ ‘killer!’**

Magnus didn’t deserve him, the warlock could do so much better, he deserved so much better. Alec was just dragging him down, a disappointment. He quickly rose from the bed, a nauseating feeling of guilt washing over him as he wandered towards the kitchen, away from his sleeping love.

He could tell that it was early, barely seeing the sunlight pass through the curtains, a brief moment of tranquillity running through his mind, as he bathed in the light before he reminded himself of his place. He brought himself back to reality, reaching for a mug and the empty coffee pot, slowly starting to brew himself a somewhat normal breakfast, well at least to him. As his nights continued to be plagued with memories and nightmares, sleep had become little to none, causing his every waking moment to be fuelled with the bitter taste of coffee and the constant stings of his stamina rune. He continued to pour himself a mugful, but the soothing smell led his mind to wander, ignoring the humming reminder of his disappointments.

His mind, so lost in the peacefulness of thought didn’t hear as the creaking of floorboards sounded behind him and was only brought back to reality when Alec felt the strong tense of arms wrap around his waist. Flashbacks played through Alec’s mind causing him to jump at the simple touch, bashing his mug as he did, causing the black liquid to spill out, coating the counter.  
“Shit!!” Alec cursed through gritted teeth as he hastily returned the pot to the holder, feeling as the arms retreated from their once firm hold.

**‘worthless scared shadowhunter!’**

“Alexander, don’t worry it’s fine.” A tender voice said from behind him before coming forward, raising a hand and waving a sheet of blue magic over the counter, cleaning the mess in an instant. Alec felt as his boyfriends’ hand lay softly on his shoulder and in response, Alec relaxed under the touch, feeling a sense of warmth flow through him. A gentle tug from his hand brought Alec around, to face his Magnus’ gaze. Alec felt so stupid, he wanted to run away but all he could do was stand there, frozen, facing his loving Magnus but his eyes darting to stare at the floor, refusing to meet the eyes of his confused boyfriend. A hand brought itself to his chin firmly pushing his face up, bringing him to meet the face of his boyfriend.

“Alexander, is everything okay? You look…tired, love.” Alec flinched at the sound of his boyfriends’ pet names, what he used to love and secretly blush to he now felt only shame from, he knew he didn’t deserve them, that Magnus didn’t deserve him. It was at this point that Alec glanced and saw his hand shaking, a nervous tick that he couldn’t control, a simple thing that he was too weak against. He clenched his hand into a ball forcing himself to regain control.

“y..yeah, I’m fine, just.. you know, tired from training last night.” His eyes darted around refusing to look his love in the eye, he couldn’t stand to see the judgement from Magnus’ face that he thought was there. Magnus’ arm gracefully moved up his own, slowly stopping at his bicep, Alec could sense the look of worry in staring up at him, glaring at him.

Sensing the tension growing from the silence Alec quickly stated, “I…I should get going, they’ll need me at the institute…” before swiftly moving past Magnus, forgetting his coffee altogether, and hastily leaving the room, barely giving a second glance. He worked his way to the bedroom, grabbing the nearest clothes, yanking them on and walked quickly to the front door. He couldn’t find it in himself to face his boyfriend, for him to see Alec as the nervous wreck that he was. And with that he was out the door, silently wondering out to the noisy streets of Brooklynn, making his way to the dreaded Institute that awaited him.

* * *

It had been a long, tedious day, Alec spent most of the morning locked in his room drowning himself in paperwork and errands. Jace had insisted that Alec goes on no more demon hunts, noticing how on edge Alec had been throughout the week. Alec wanted nothing more than to go out and distract himself with a hunt, he wanted to kill the demons that had plagued his mind, that had created this weak form of himself. But instead, he was trapped within the institute watching as his siblings carried on without his useless attempt at protection.

**‘they don’t even need you!’**

He needed to push his thoughts away, he needed to feel the pain that would distract him, fix him. So he decided to block away the voices the best way he knew how, his training. His muscles ached as he pushed himself up, yearning for the rest that never came, but he was determined. Alec made his way to the training room, noticing the glares as he wondered in followed by everyone heading out, leaving Alec alone once again, they couldn’t bare to be with that... murderer. Tentatively, he began to wrap his hands, each pass getting tighter and tighter, feeling a sense of relief at the ache that went through his fists.

His muscles tensed as he brought his first blow to the punching bag before him, a feeling of bliss at the dull throb. His hits started slow and controlled, a gentle thud being heard, but quickly became harder and erratic, picking up as Alec’s breath became quicker. He revelled at the dull pain that coated his fists with each punch, wanting to feel something that could block out everything. It continued like that, Alec blocking out the emotions and firing his fists forward, each pound dulling his mind from the words spinning around in his head.

**‘worthless!’ ‘murderer!’ ‘nothing!’**

A distant chime brought Alec back as he jumped, turning his head to the phone he left behind him, the one which was now pulsing on the floor. Alec pulled himself forward, almost regretting when he leaned into the wall and bringing the phone to his ear. “hey... Magnus” It was only at this point that Alec realised how out of breath he was, panting heavily as his body regained some form of energy.

“Hello, Alexander. I was just calling to check up on you, I was worried when you left so suddenly, is everything alright?” The worried tone in Magnus’ voice scared Alec, no one should give him pity, he didn’t deserve it.

“Yeah I’m fine …. just training, sorry that I freaked you out, I'm just… tired that’s all.”, Alec couldn’t help his voice from trembling and he felt so useless, so weak. Magnus began to speak but quickly Alec pulled away, hanging up abruptly, not want his boyfriend to have to worry about him, hear the pain in his voice.

**‘he doesn’t care, nobody does!’**

His head leaned back against the cold brick of the wall as he forced himself to hold back tears. The voices taunting his weakness. All of a sudden, Alec felt a strong gush of air shoot past him as the sparks of a portal rose before him. Alec quickly shot up, pushing back against the wall in fright, staring violently as the glittered form of Magnus stepped forward through the sparks of his magic. Alec’s shoulders relaxed at the sight of Magnus as he took in his beautiful form standing before him. That was until he saw Magnus’ face staring back at him, a look of concern in his usually relaxed features. Alec stayed there, plastered against the wall as Magnus stepped forward, closing the distance between them until he was reaching out to Alec’s hand. He felt the strong grip wrap around his bandaged hand, squeezing gently over the back.

“Alexander…. What’s wrong?”, Magnus’ gentle voice echoed through the room, leading Alec’s features to relax. A silence fell upon them until a tear fell from Alec’s cheek. Wanting to hide, Alec looked down away from Magnus’ prying eyes, hiding away his shame. His eyes shut closed, holding back from any more tears falling. He felt as a warm hand moved up to his face, tenderly placing itself upon his cheek, allowing Alec to lean into the touch. A gentle movement of Magnus’ thumb wiped away the tear from his cheek and as it did Alec felt a loving wave flow through him.

“Alexander, darling come home, you need to rest.” A combination of concern and love laced Magnus’ words and all Alec could return was a simple exhale of breath and a brief nod of his head, still avoiding the eyes of his loving boyfriend.   
A firm grip wrapped around Alec’s hand as he was gently pulled towards the spinning portal that laid before him. His legs pulled him forward following the lead of Magnus’ before Alec felt as he was engulfed by the magic, still holding firmly on to the gentle hand of his beloved Magnus. 

The view of Magnus’ apartment came into view and before he knew it, he was once again within the decorated walls of the apartment. Alec stood awkwardly in the middle of the room watching as Magnus turned to face him, closing the portal as he did. Alec stood still, his muscles beginning to tense as the awkward silence continued leaving the only noise to be the faint panting from Alec’s mouth.

“Why don’t you go take a shower and we can talk once you’re comfortable.” He watched as Magnus brought his hand up brushing it gently through his black, damp hair. Alec's eyes looked up to see a faint smile across his boyfriends’ lips and his eyes staring hopefully towards him. A muffled agreement came from Alec mouth as he turned to the bathroom, walking away from Magnus’ warming presence.

* * *

The cold water numbed the aching in his muscles and all he could do was close his eyes and relax under the gentle running of water that flowed over him, that washed away the tears coating his cheek. He pressed his forehead against the cold white tiles, breathing in and letting his mind settle, for the first time in ages he realised just how tired he truly was.

Bringing himself back to reality, he climbed out of the shower wrapping himself in the soft towels that Magnus had laid out for him. A subtle smell of sandalwood and lavender filled Alec’s nose and he was reminded of the gentle feeling of Magnus’ hands comforting him, he felt safe but distant yet again. The soft fabric grazed against his skin, coating his body in warmth and love. Stepping out of the bathroom, Alec was greeted by the empty bedroom, he wasn’t ready to talk to Magnus yet and he was secretly glad for this brief moment of privacy. He lurched forward grabbing his boxers and a new pair of jeans, hastily putting them on before turning to find a suitable shirt…. that was until he froze. A mirror faced him from the wardrobe, and he couldn’t help but be paralyzed at the reflection. Here he was able to see the true result of his weakness, as just above his hip sat…

_an agony rune._

Alec had managed to keep it hidden ever since he drew it. He was told of the pains that it caused but all Alec wanted was to feel the punishment of his actions, he needed the pain that it brought. He needed the safety that the torture brought, the reminder of his failures. 

His hand rose to the black line that was branded upon him; his fingertips gentle traced the shape on every curve, as he remembered the last night in which he had used it. The torture that he had been inflicting on himself was what caused the anxiety, the constant feeling of being on edge, he was slowly breaking himself ... and he was okay with it.

Alec stood for a moment, transfixed by his own doing when he heard the creak of the door behind him opening. In a state of panic, Alec rushed forward grabbing a shirt and pulling it violently on. But it was too late for when he turned and met the eyes of his Magnus’ all he saw was the tear-filled eyes staring back at him.

“I’m no Shadowhunter Alec, but even I know that rune…” Magnus’ brows stiffened, and a tear fell from his once loving eyes,

“… Alec… did you put that there?... Alec?”.

Alec stood still, paralyzed in fright. Magnus’ would never love him now he knew how broken he was. A few faint stutters came from Alec’s mouth, but his voice cracked as he felt the tears build up in his eyes. His hands began to shake as Magnus moved closer putting out his hands in comfort to Alec. But he couldn’t stay there, he couldn’t face his boyfriend, not like this.

As the tears pooled in his eyes and began to fall, he felt his body stagger forward as his legs guided him from the room as fast as they could, brushing past Magnus as he went.  
He found himself drawn to the balcony, breathing in the cool city air but found that he couldn’t, he couldn’t breathe. His heart was racing as his breathing picked up, he was losing control yet again. Alec found his legs to collapse, falling to the ground as he fought to bring his breath back. He brought his legs towards his chest and dug his head in his arms, closing himself off as he tried to bring back control. The fear picking up with each quick breath. Tears fell, coating his cheeks before falling onto the brick below. The voices spiralled through his mind,

**‘worthless!’ ‘not good enough!’ ‘murderer!’**

He tensed up more, locking his arms around his knees trying to find comfort within himself.

He felt as the cold rings of Magnus’ hand brushed across his arm, his thumb gently stroking his tensed muscles. A moment passed before Alec hesitantly looked up, revealing his scared eyes coated with tears. There he saw Magnus knelt before him, his face filled with worry but also comfort.

“I’m s... sorry, Mags,” Alec whispered still trying to regain control of his breathing.

Magnus replied only with a faint “shh...” as Alec felt Magnus’ soft hands wrap around his own, the touch soothed the shaking as their hands linked together, holding onto each other. They stayed like this, holding onto each other, together, as Alec felt his breathing return, leaving nothing but the sounds of his gentle sobs. That was until the silence was broken by a shaking voice.

“I didn’t want you to see me, like this... Weak... Useless...” Alec dropped his head hiding his shame until a hand moved to his cheek lifting him to meet the eyes of the teary-eyed warlock.

“I would never see you like that Alexander, you’re not weak, darling, you never will be,” 

“I let a demon in Magnus, i… I killed someone.” Alec’s voice broke at the end as he tried to hold back, to stop the tears from falling.

“That was the demon Alec, it was never your fault… You should never have tortured yourself.” Alec stayed motionless as he felt Magnus move closer, as he felt his boyfriend's breath on his skin,

“I wanted to feel the pain I caused everyone, I needed to be punished……I’m so sorry Magnus…” Alec lifted his head allowing more tears to run down his cheeks. His eyes rose to meet those of Magnus, searching for the anger, the hatred, but all he saw was love.

“Darling, it was never your fault, I wish I could have helped you…. I love you.” Alec’s arms unravelled at the words, he stared into the eyes of this warlock, who he could see the love radiating from. He watched as the tears fell from the warlocks beautiful hazel eyes. Alec’s arms reached forward, wrapping themselves around the sturdy frame of his boyfriend. He dug his head into Magnus’ shoulder and felt the loving hands of the warlock stroke across his back. For the first time in ages, Alec felt happy and loved, for the first time he couldn’t hear the echoes of the voices in his head. He felt safe.

He brought his head out from his boyfriends tear-stained shoulder and leaned his forehead against the glitter-covered one of Magnus’, bringing his hands to fall behind the warlock’s neck. “I love you too...” and with that Alec lurched forward pressing his lips softly against that of his boyfriends. He could feel the love and passion radiating between them as their lips locked and he felt as they both leaned into each other, ignoring everything except each other’s tender love. The warm feeling of his breath was comforting, and his soft lips drowned out the lurking thoughts. He could feel Magnus’ hair brush past his face as he delicately washed away his pain. They belonged here, together. Alec knew now that Magnus was right. Alec was not weak but loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I had an idea to do Manus' POV as a separate chapter, please let me know if you would like that. Again hope you enjoyed the piece. :-)


End file.
